Friday, October 5, 2007


Kaalachakra Bar!


1975 Jan 1

It was about five in the morning. Father (I am not bothering with names) woke up with a start. Many years had passed since he had founded the orphanage. He had named it ' X-Orphanage ' , a rather funny name. But looking back, everything about his life seemed funny now. Hearing some noise outside, Father decided to have a look. A child lay there in front of the orphanage. It was a girl. Seeing her abandoned like this in the cold morning, Father felt a sense of anger for the merciless being who had thrown her away like this. He took her in his arms. He would raise her like his own child.

17 Years Later

The girl had now grown up. She was now staying at a hostel. She met a man and fell in love with him. Soon she got pregnant.But the man disappeared. She was thrown out of the Hostel. Father came and took her back to the orphanage. She gave birth to a girl, but the baby was mysteriously stolen. Unable to bear all this, the Father committed suicide.

5 years later

Due to some serious health problems, the girl went to see a Doctor. The doctor having examined her, said with a sad _expression on his face, "Adrenalo Sytosis, a serious case of hormone imbalance" . An operation was performed in which the doctor had to change the sex of the patient. The girl was now transformed into a man. The man was very depressed because he had lost his child, his father had committed suicide, his lover had betrayed him, he had to change sex and so on. He eventually took to drinking.
One day he saw that a new bar called 'Kaalachakra Bar' had opened in his locality. He went in. He saw a bearded man to whom he related his sad tale. he bearded man took pity on him and told him that he had a Time Machine and that he could use it to change his past. He accepted the gift from the bearded man. He decided to go to the past (to the year 1992) and started the Time Machine.!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

1992

The man arrived with the Time Machine in the year 1992. There he met a girl and fell in love with her. The girl got pregnant. The man, unwilling to marry her, left the town. He went to another city, earned some money and five years later came back to the city where the girl lived. Wanting to conceal his identity, he grew a beard. He started a bar named 'Kaalachakra Bar'. One day a man came to the bar and narrated a sorrow tale. Out of compassion, he gave the Time Machine to the man. The man started the Time Machine and went back to the past.

Suddenly a man wearing a mask came into the bar. He pointed a gun at the bearded man. He said that he had a Time Machine and forced the bearded man into it along with himself. Taking the bearded man with him, the masked man started the Time Machine. When they reached the past, the masked man suddenly gave the Time Machine to the bearded man and ran away. The bearded man found himself in front of X-Orphanage. He went inside and found a woman lying there with her new born baby. It was a girl. Since the mother lay unconscious and there wasn't anyone else nearby to take care of the girl, he took the girl and started the Time Machine to go to the past.
The bearded man arrived with the girl. Thinking that it was the best place for the child, he left her in front of X-Orphanage. He joined a college, studied hard and became a doctor. One day a woman was brought to the hospital. He examined her and found that it was a serious case of 'Adrenalo Sytosis'. He performed an operation in which he had to change her sex. One day, fed up with the complexities of modern life, he started the Time Machine and went back in time.

1968 May 12

He arrived at a time of great famine and suffering. Seeing all this, he decided to become a priest and serve the people. He started an orphanage and named it 'X-Orphanage' . Years later, he found a girl lying in front of the orphanage. He took her and brought her up like his own child. Many years later he heard that the girl was pregnant and was thrown out of the hostel. He brought her back to X-Orphanage. She gave birth to a girl and fell unconscious. The father desperately searched for help, but since there was no-one nearby to help him, he decided to bring a person back from the future. He wore a mask, took a gun for protection and started the Time Machine. He materialized in front of 'Kaalachakra Bar'. He went inside, found a bearded man and forced him to travel with him to the past.

Reaching the past, he felt very guilty about forcing the bearded man to come with him. He gave the Time Machine to the bearded man and ran away to see his daughter. When he reached there, he heard the sad news from his daughter that the baby was stolen. Unable to bear the sorrow, he committed suicide.

Monday, October 1, 2007

The one with all the crap!!!

One thing that has been preDHONImating the minds of Indian right now is cricket.Our team established it's undisputed(??) DHONIance in the fast and IRFANtastic version by winning the world cup.UTTAPPArently the fan-fervor was so overwhelming during the motorcade that it caused a high degree of YUVRAJitation in the street.Millions of dhoniacs celebrated by drinking few barrels of GAMbeer.

But respecting the old Indian culture, Some people wrecked it from being the perfect moment for India.The smear on the most B-E-A-utiful day of Indian cricket were bunch of whiny asses who claimed to be the neglected representative of the make-believe game called hockey.These 'HOCKERS' demanded that this so called game of hockey be given equal importance.

To resolve this issue a open debate was organised between the Cricket team(CT),Hockey team(HT) with celebrity guest Shahruk Khan(SRK) and mediating the event was the NDTV founder Prannoy Roy (PR) (The one who dosen't open his mouth while talking). Here are the abstract of the discussion:


HT:We also want recognition,we want free airtravel benefits,bunglow at sahara city,more advertizing contracts.We want to boast of rags to riches stories.

CT: Its Sounds more like a Rags to Bitches story.Stop whining.

HT: We are not whining, we are fighing for our right.Why is it that we didn't recieve an ovation as grant when we returned with the Asia cup?

CT:Ok first.We came back with the world cup not some retarded asia cup.And world is much bigger than Asia if U didn't know.Secondly Hockey is for losers.

HT:We had beaten the Koreans in the finals to lift the cup.Don't call us a losers

CT:Kudos on beating bunch of guys who squint so much that they can't tell the differnce between Jennifer Lopez's ass and a watermelon.

PR:(suddenly in the front stage stealing the limelight from others)According to the survey conducted many do have a problem telling the difference.

CT:Its so easy,You sink your teeth deep into the watermelon and spill out the seeds after eating it completely.(paused) No wait...

SRK:(obviously got pissed out as they were wasting his time)Lets take the discussion to that part where I have to talk about Chak De.I'm not intersted in JL ass.

CT:tell us something we don't know.

SRK:Hey!If U r talking about the thing that pocked u in your thighs when I hugged U after the final,it was my mobile.(pauses) For the umpteen time,I don't day dream rubbing oil on Karan Johar's..ummm...Body

HT:Actually, we have a bone to pick with you as well, Shah Rukh.

CT: Oh, he’ll be more than happy to let you pick his bone.

HT: Was it so much trouble for you to show up at the Asia Cup finals and cheer us on? Did you forget what ‘Chak De’ was all about?

SRK: Are you telling me it’s a real game? I thought it was just a ridiculous game that the filmmakers came up with.HT (angry): Yes, it’s a real game. It’s the national game of India.

CT: The only reason why people started calling it the national game of India is because that was the first thing we managed to win after getting independence. It doesn’t mean that it’s an interesting sport and that people like watching it.

HT: People from all communities and walks of life play hockey.

CT: Get real, . Hockey is a game played only by Punjabis.

HT: Just because you have money doesn’t mean that you can be racist.

CT: How many of you have Singh as your last name?(All the hockey players raise their hands and on realizing they had just been had put their hands down )

HT: We represent all religions and communities. Unlike Shoaib Malik.

(Suddenly, Prannoy Roy takes centre stage and speaks in a deep baritone, his mouth still shut tight)

PR: This is a message from NDTV to Shoaib Malik. You do not represent all the Muslims in the world. You are only the captain of the defeated Pakistan Team.

CT: He was just being emotional. All he said he was he thanked all the Muslims in the world. You’re a rotten piece of shit to be ballooning that up when you have other important things on your channel to talk about.

PR : I will complain to Barkha Dutt and he will shout at you.

CT: Don’t you mean ‘she’?

PR: Who do you think knows him better? The stupid audience who sit in front of the TV or me, the head of NDTV- Nicely Disguised Transvestite Vixens?

(Suddenly, everyone stops talking because they hear a moaning sound. It’s SRK seemingly in the middle of a day dream)

SRK: Yeah…you like that, K-Jo? Hmm…Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna…hmmm…I’d like to drink hot brown frothy coffee…yeah…

PR: Shah Rukh, wake up! I think you’re having a 'day(read D as G)-dream'!

(SRK wakes up and sees everyone staring at him)

SRK: What?No, I wasn’t. I was just thinking about my new movie Om Shanti Om.

CT: Don’t you mean ‘hOMo Shanti hOMo’?

HT: This is exactly what we’re talking about. This whole debate was supposed to be about us. But now it has turned into a dialogue between Cricket and Bollywood. We deserve attention too. We want all the luxury they get. We want more and more and more and more…

CT (smirking): Unless you’re talking about Kiran More I don’t think you have much of a chance.

HT: Up yours, you undeserving shit balls. We will kick your ass.

PR (mouth closed): I’m more powerful than God.

SRK: I miss Karan.

..............................................To be continued.......................