Euphemisms

You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

I don't like words that hide the truth. I don't like words that conceal reality. I don't like euphemisms. But people are loaded with euphemisms because people have a lot of trouble dealing with reality.  People have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a language to protest themselves from it and  for some reason, it just keeps getting worse.

I'll give you an example of that. There's a condition in combat. Most people know about it. It's when a fighting person's nervous system has been stressed to it's absolute peak and maximum. The nervous system has either snapped or is about to snap. In the first world war, that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables, shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was eighty years ago.  Some years gone by and the second world war came along and very same combat condition was called battle fatigue. Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say. Doesn't seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock! Battle fatigue.  Some more time passed by  and the very same combat condition was called operational exhaustion. Hey, we're up to eight syllables now! And the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase. Operational exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car.  But we didn't stop at that . No we went further and pulled out the sense of  slightest bit of sympathy it may bring along and  that very same condition was called post-traumatic stress disorder. Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. Post-traumatic stress disorder. 

One of the reasons is because of that language we are using .That language that takes the life out of life ,invented by smug, greedy, well-fed MBA's and people in power to conceal their sins. When I was a little kid, poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities. And they're broke!, broke!!. They don't have a negative cash-flow position. They're freaking broke.  Because a lot of them were fired. You know, fired.  Management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce.

 It's as simple as that. The CBI's and FBI's doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. And some of this stuff is just silly, like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre- board'. Well, what the hell is pre-board, what does that mean? To get on before you get on? They say they're going to pre-board those passengers in need of special assistance. Cripples! Simple honest direct language. There is no shame attached to the word cripple I find in any dictionary. No shame attached to it, in fact it's a word used in bible translations. 'Jesus healed the cripples.' Doesn't take seven words to describe that condition. But we don't have any cripples in this country anymore. We have The physically challenged differently abled. I've heard them called that. Differently abled! You can't even call these people handicapped anymore. They'll say, "We're not handicapped. We're handicap able!" These poor people have been bullshitted by the system into believing that if you change the name of the condition, somehow you'll change the condition. We have no more deaf people in this country, hearing impaired. No ones blind anymore, partially sighted or visually impaired. We have no more stupid people. Everyone has a learning disorder or he's minimally exceptional. Psychologists actually have started calling ugly people, those with severe appearance deficits. It's getting so bad, that any day now I expect to hear a Delhi cop to refer a rape victim as an unwilling sperm recipient.


The fear of truth doesn't leave us even in our last moments.  We look at an old guy and say, "Look at him ! He's ninety years young." Imagine the fear of aging that reveals. To not even be able to use the word "old" to describe somebody. To have to use an antonym. Fear of aging is natural. It's universal. Isn't it? We all have that. No one wants to get old. No one wants to die, but we do! So we bullshit ourselves.  We look in the mirror say, "well, I...I guess I'm getting...older." Older sounds a little better than old doesn't it? Sounds like it might even last a little longer. Bullshit, I'm getting old! And it's okay, because thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die...I'll pass away. Or I'll expire ...like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, they'll call it a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient-care outcome. And if it's the result of malpractice, they'll say it was a therapeutic misadventure.  Some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. Makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill.

An Average Conversation with God

Neale Donald Walsch enlightened us with transcripts of his conversation with God. Conversation he held while still on earth. Then came Andy Weir with his version of face to face interaction with the all Mighty, all Powerful Guy( If you haven't read the Andy Weir's version you probably should click here)

But those were special people, I can't be sure but I have a feeling when an average person bite the big one, get his head crushed under a bus or something and reach the pearly gates, his conversation would be quite different....

G--The All powerful Dude.
Me-An Average Guy.

-------------------Action---------------------------


G:'Hey There! It's You! What's up, my child? Sorry I had to crush your head under a bus and all but.. tell me how much fun did you had down there? Awesome life, huh?'

Me: No. Not really, God.  I was just about  to have a great time when you called me up.

G:What do you mean you were about to? You were freaking forty seven years old; what did you do down there for forty seven years?

Me: Well you know God, Its like this.. From the day that I was born and first opened my eyes, those two people you send me to, already had a plan for me. The bigger one whispered that he wanted me to grow up to be a doctor, and fulfill his dream. The more delicate one said that she just wanted me to be happy--as long as it was good grades, a steady job, a beautiful wife and a couple of kids that made me happy.

I really didn't understand what they were saying so early on, but they did a good job of bribing me with toys and candy in order to make me learn things they thought was important for me. They brought me toys that taught me how to fit square blocks into square holes. They brought me LEGO toys to teach me how to create things. They gave me lollipops if I didn't spoiled the diaper and used the toilet instead, or took them away if I hit my brother.

They read me fables about naughty animal that always eventually got taught a lesson, stories about brothers sticking together to fight armies of enemies and fairy tales where prince and princess always lived happily ever after. When I was 3 they put me in a school. I surely wouldn't have chosen to go there by myself, but it's not a child's prerogative to decide much of anything.

'We carried on this way for a while. Some candy or a rupee pressed onto my palm would stop my crying or make me clean the house. If they say that I had to take swimming lessons in return of half an hour more of television, I would say "Okay". If they said that if I got higher grades, they would take me to the fair, I would say "Okay". Was the dishes in return for halwaa?"Sure".
'By the time I gained consciousness of who I was, I was almost fourteen. From fourteen to Sixteen, I was a slave to the experiments of my own body.

G:"That's Charming".

Me: 'Yeah, so, during that time, I was undergoing "adolescent development"- the mental transition from childhood to adulthood". I started to hear my own voice in my mind and started desiring thing without the promise of candy or make my parents happy. But as I started to venture after these things-friendships with strange characters, longer cricket matches, shorter homework sessions-my father would wag his finger and tell me that if my grades continued to drop I would never amount to anything. My mother did this whole melodrama of crying out loud "I carried him in my womb, I devoted my whole life to him, fed him, made him strong and this is how he repays me? What I have done to deserve this?"
                    'It was hard to believe that this life was meant for me. I was a creation of these two people, who got together and made me, and then owned me. I was burdened with the debt of repayment for the gift of life they had given me. I owed it to them, I was expected to be exactly who they wanted me to be.'

G:' Ah Yes! Expectations. Leave it to you human to twist a simple survival skill into such a useless complication. You were only suppose to ponder over what was around the hill or from which tree the tiger might jump from to come and eat you. You 've turned predictive skills into never climaxing mental cycle.

Me: It's what life is all about these days. That became clear during my adolescence. I was "expected" to act decently. Be well groomed. Well Behaved. Not only expected to go to school everyday, even though all I wanted to do was to play cricket, but expected to excel! "Why should I? Well because that's just what good kids do."
     Till I was 22,I put all my energy into fulfilling their expectations. God forbid my parent's name should get spoiled if I didn't graduate with flying colours. No one cared that I personally didn't give a flying monkey about the things they were teaching me. No one bothered to ask me if I had already identified my best, most promising skills and in what direction my heart was calling me.
     I barely graduated out of college, went to my father and said "papa I want to start my own venture". In Shock he asked "What if it didn't turned went well? What then?" You won't  amount  to anything". So more for his mental peace I joined a job.

G:'Aw that really sucks, my child. You had a dream, and you didn't get to live it. That must be hard.

Me: Oh? wait, though. its get better.
I worked my ass off to complete my projects, understand client's business domain, learn about it, study it and then excel at it. I have to admit that I did pretty well. I got the hang of it quickly. In no time, I established myself as important member of the organization and started making profit for my company. As soon as the bank balance started to rise, my parents said I should get married.
"What the hell you are talking about?" I said, stunned. I've just started earning money and having fun with it. Why would I get married now?"

In the Wild West-UK, Europe, America-parents say, " You're 16 now, get the hell out of my house. And the kids, say "What the hell? Why did you brought me into this world if you are going to kick me out? But then they also go away to college and don't care anymore. But in traditional Indian culture, the pressure is phenomenal. You must get married, you must get married, you must get married. So, one day, to stop the ceaseless discussions at the dinner table, you shout: " GODDAMMIT (Sorry yaar)! Okay Okay, Hell with it!. I'll get married!"

 G:'My darling son. My poor child. Forced to do so many things you didn't want to do , it's all so sad. But, by this point in your life, you're educated, working and married; your parents must be fully happy, and you must have started enjoying yourself, right?

Me:'Ha ! that proves you weren't paying attention! I knew there was no way that you could pay attention to each one of us, all the time...omnipresent, my ass...'

G:Watch it...

Me: 'Sure, Sure. Anyways, before the honeymoon is over-no joke, not even eight months into the marriage-the next expectation made itself clear. Mom said, "Uh, beta, are you both getting along?"
"Of course, Why?" No, Nothing. But...really, you're getting along?" "Yes Ma. Everything is fine".
"then, beta...Why is she not pregnant?" Oh, bloody hell, are you serious?

'So, I say, "Shit, Ma, I don't know! Because I don't think we want a child yet." "No beta, but that's totally wrong. Calculate it-if you have a child at 27, then when you're 40 your child will be thirteen and you'll be strong enough to carry him on your shoulders. If you wait too long, you won't be able to run with him, play with him.." All the logic and experience came flying at me, and I'm like "Duuude Stop."
'But... I gave in, and had a kid.'
It's a pretty typical story from that point. The first three years are totally given over to the kid-providing his basic needs, giving him loads of love and attention, taking care of him when he falls ill, like kids do, often. Then come the development years, where everything you show them and teach them makes a huge impact and you have to give due diligence to everything you say to them and do with them. As they get a bit older, and start to go outside and play with their friends for hours at a time, you finally get a chance to reassess where you are in your life.

  At this point I realized how old I have gotten, so quickly. The hairline receding, the stomach was protruding. I was forty and had not done a lot of things that I meant to do. I picked my pen and made my bucket list: a bicycle trip from Srinagar to Chennai, sail around Greek isles, Throw myself out of plane, etc. My family saw me hunched over the table making my list. I started to talk about doing the things on my list, for real. I started, researching the right all-terrain bicycle, the best cruises available, where the closet airstrip was for skydiving?

'What does my family does? They intervened. Said I was having mid-life crisis. Started whispering to the neighbors about my breakdown. They do that.. They scare the shit out of you. Tell you you're losing it. Tell you that following your heart is stupid. Naïve. "You should be rational. You know better than this. You have responsibilities. Liabilities. People are looking up to you. You have a child, a wife. You have a name in the society. No. No. No. You must not do all these things that your heart wants. YOU. CANNOT. JUMP. OUT. OF. THE. PLANE."

"Fine. Hell with it. I won't. For now." I told myself that I'd do it their way for now, but only little longer. "Once I get to forty five, woo-hoo, better watch out, world. I'm going to do whatever the hell I'll want!. And no one is going to stop me.

G:'Finally! It's about time!"

Me:" Yeah well. Not so fast big guy. As soon as you hit forty five, Life starts to collect its toll. Diabetes, Blood pressure, heart problems, arthritis, nerve attack, some shit or the other hits you. It's even not necessary because of your age, but more because you have not lived your life up until now. You haven't flown. Your juices, your breath, your blood has not flown like it should through your body. You have been under so much stress because for so long you have been someone you are not. I guess after forty five years of pretending to be someone else, you deserve to fall ill. It's only logical. In my opinion, after forty five years of pretending, of suspending your dreams and living on someone's else term you should die.

G: (clears throat)

Me: Ha Ha. Yeah, so. I guess that's why I'm here'

G: Man!! That's hectic. I gave you a sweet simple life to live, and you made a mess of it.

Me: Hectic for sure. But I did my best. Why don't you give it a try, God! see if you can do it better."

G: No Thanks, my Child. I am better off here.

Me: Okay, better yet, could you give me another try? Give me five more years, and I promise you that I will live all fifty years in those five years!

G: No can't do that. But we do have a fantastic bar and Spa up here. You are welcome to finally enjoy yourself. Be yourself, here Or you can keep wandering around, cribbing about the life you led down there. Up to you.

Me: Well.. I guess if it's possible to be dying all the while you are alive, it's possible to be living while you are dead, right?

G: As I said, Up to you............

Will you be friends with me?

I was walking along my wintry, frozen life,
When she popped up like sunshine without much strife.

With a warm smile on her lips,
She stuck out a hand and quipped,

"Will you be friends with me?"

She had eluded me for so long,
How could this possibly be?

I was quite apprehensive,
What could be her incentive?

But as the ice broke and conversations unfolded,
I realized I could grab her trusting hand and hold it.

We had our share of fun and we laughed a lot
Quarrels we got into and battles we fought.

And when she would irritatingly say "grow up",
For a brief while I thought maybe I should.

On the other hand when she'd say "you can do it",
I found strength for amazing things I could.

There were dark times too.

When broken hearts we had to nurse,
Realizing what seemed like a blessing  was worse than a curse.

But we pulled through thanks to the laughs,
It's always fun to poke fun at ex-better halves.

Very often in life people come and play their part,
And before you know it, it's time to grow apart.

I'm not very fond of the future, that subject isn't my favorite,
For now lets treasure the moment, celebrate and savor it.

No matter what lies ahead, How cruel life turns out to be,
At least I have that moment to relive, When she stuck out her hand and quipped,

"Will you be friends with me?"

मन

 मन जब उसका कायल था
हर  अदा पे उसके घायल था
पर उसका दिल वो हार गया
रन छोड़ वहां से भाग गया

 मन यादें बड़ी संजोता है
हर हार पे अपनी रोता है
पर रोज़ तरीके सोच सोच 

खुश भी यूँ ही हो जाता है

मन आज मेरा परेशां खड़ा
पुचा उस से भाई बात बता
बॊला मुझसे,कोई बात नहीं
है सबसे बड़ा मलाल यही

है चंचल मन कहीं टिकता नहीं
रुख हवा के साथ बदलता है
पुचा उसे, उसे क्यूँ ठोर नहीं
बोला अपना कोई और नहीं 

हर  रंग रंगा , बहका ये मन
हर रोज़ क़सीदे पढता है
खुली लम्हों के दहशत से
उत्सव ये रोज़ मनाता है

मन को जाने कौन यहाँ
मन तेरा मेरा मोहताज नहीं
खुशियों में घिरा उदास छिपा
बर्बादी में भी हार नहीं

Something and Anything and Everything

“There is no word that man has created that can even come close to expressing the feeling of love. But sometimes, it’s only words that you have to take her heart away.”

So what do you tell to the girl who is something and anything and everything but does not understand how wonderful she really is?

You tell her she is lovely, beautiful. Cute when she wears a boyish smirk when her eyes rest on your face. She is lovely most of the time and beautiful all the time and especially when she is sleeping. Light breaths at utter peace with the world, no signs of stress in her body.

You tell her she is a good painter. That her elegant strokes speaks for itself and would baffle anyone with an eye. She is a good painter but not the best. Motivate her but do not crush her dreams, else she will never sleep in peace again.

You tell her she is inspiring. That her personality is wonderful and her mind is fantastic. She does not always know the right things to say or do, but that is what makes people look up-to her. That she makes decisions and tries, instead of giving up and moving on.

You tell her she is the little things. The crisp june air, the quick bike rides and the first rainfall gathering on rooftops. Laughing down street hawkers and running and catching up parking slots, Birds singing on wires and falling tears on an open ground. The little things that at last become the best memories.

You tell her beneath the dying sun that she has become your dream. Let the burned flesh and entangled soul on top of a scorched earth became soft September nights of passion and wonder. Enlighten her, make her dream too. Tell her what's on your mind even if she does not want to hear.Always be honest with her, but in the best possible way. She does not want to hear she is beautiful, a good painter , absolutely inspiring and she will probably deny it all. But a small part of her is thankful for the things you have to say. You tell her something and anything and everything, just like her.

If you speak, she will listen and call you “cute”  maybe “jerk and weird” or say you “take things too seriously” or something like that, but pay no mind to it. Smile and watch the fire grow in her eyes as her thoughts become something else entirely and gives back to you a piece of advice that no one could ever possibly can.

But remain silent, and something and anything and everything will slowly become nothing.

स्वयं की तलाश

जीवन एक युद्घ,प्रतिदिन-प्रतिपल मैं लड़ रहा हूँ।
पथ में आती हार को कर के दरकिनार
बस जीतने का प्रयास कर रहा हूँ
जीत की आशा में,हार की निराशा में,
कठिण प्रयास में,दुःख में,उल्लास में,
जब खुद को ढूंढ़ना चाहता हूँ मैं,
स्वयं को स्वयं से दूर ही पाता हूँ मैं।

जीवन की इस भाग दौड़ में,
एक दूजे से आगे बढ़ने की होड़ में,
ऐसा लगता है कहीं कुछ छूट गया है,
मेरा मन जैसे मुझसे रूठ गया है।
इस आपाधापी से जब भी कुछ क्षण
अपने लिये चुराता हूँ मैं,
स्वयं को स्वयं से दूर ही पाता हूँ मैं।

खुद को जानने की कोशिश में,
मैंने बस इतना जाना है,
जीवन का एक गूढ़ रहस्य,
शायद मैंने पहचाना है।
हार-जीत निरर्थक,यहाँ
जीत का प्रयास ही जीत का अहसास है।
ज़िंदगी है ऐसा सफ़र जिसमें,रास्ते बड़े मंज़िलों से
स्वयं को पाना महत्वपूर्ण नहीं,
महत्वपूर्ण स्वयं की तलाश है ।।

Coffee

(Inspiration - Mary Schmidt/Baz Luhrmann )

Ladies and gentleman
If I could offer one tip for the future, coffee would it be.The long term benefits and scientific proof you don’t worry about, just drink . Whereas  the rest of my message for you has no basis more reliable than my own non-existent experience…I will dispense this advice now

Don't make  resolutions and promises, chances are you will never achieve and fulfill  those. It only gonna make you unhappy and worried. The whole world is a stage, why not ad libbed the whole part. Plan for the worst day but don't spoil the excitement of uncertainty.

Jog. (Or walk briskly, or cycle, or do yoga.)

Don't overburden yourself with problems at work . The presentation and excel spreadsheet are not the solutions to your life problems. The troubles in your life will always involve people and people are unpredictable and some are crazy sons of bitches.

Spend a little time every day doing nothing.


Don't expect organization to be as committed to you as you are to them. They don't work in that way. If you find one that is as committed,never leave.Invest in a good suit,pair of shoes and get a shave.Thanks to society's shallowness,the return will be considerable.

Record all the feedback you ever get in your career. Especially the inaccurate, pointless, biased and vague bits that drove you nuts. This will help you when you eventually give feedback to somebody yourself.

Keep a copy of all your old resumes. When you are struck by bouts of existential crisis, flip through them in chronological order. Do the same with resignation letters.

Jump.

Don't judge people by what they speak,Don’t leave nasty comments in other people’s walls and blogs. Similarly don’t expect people to like every thing you say on social websites. Sometimes you are liked many times, sometimes nobody will even read your status update…the race is long and in the end, the status update is only a way of talking to yourself. Don't judge yourself by that.

Swim.

Be kind to your computer. You will miss it when it crashes and lose all your pictures when you have to format your hard-disk. Get plenty of hard disk space for your computer.

Maybe you drink,maybe you don't. May be you booze may be you won't .May be you will engage in one unethical,unlawful activity, Whatever you do, don't laugh at a person doing something different than you. You are lying to you parents so is everybody else.

Dance but keep it classy

Understand that people come and go, but there are a precious few you must always annoy. Work hard to find out that girl’s phone number, because the more you delay, the more the possibility of her boyfriend dropping her off  right before your eyes.

Listen

Let people give you advice. Develop the art of looking interested even if you are not.Pay attention to advice of people who have stake in your happiness and not a stake in your success.

Not a lot of people are “meant” to do something. They just say that to sell bad books.You will find various amounts of meaning and satisfaction in various things. Choose your compromises wisely.

Be nice to people for the heck of it.

Don’t expect the TV to show good programs all the time. Put it on mute when advertisements are on.

Be careful whose blog you read, but, appreciate those who blog. Blogging is a form of yoga, where you do abnormal things just to keep you normal.

Hope is great,but we need caffeine.

 Forget all these,trust me on coffee.

Can we End It

We all read about the shameful act of woman abuse in the state of Assam, we all condemned it, we all hate it and our heart goes to the girl as we stand bow headed, furious but helpless. Are we really so helpless after all? Did we brought this fate upon ourself? Can nothing be done to prevent this? To make sure no other girl has to suffer. I guess We can. I falls down to us and we need to accept the responsibility not because tomorrow it could be our sister, not because the society needs it but because it is right.

You do one thing. First you grow up. Because, if you grow up means, automatically your son will grow up. And when your son is growing up,  give him a lot of free advice. Don’t think that he won’t take it. Give it anyway, he will eventually take it.

Tell your son to go out with the girls. Tell him to give them hugs and high-fives and ask them to go out on day trips and have fun and ask him to use that condom you just gave him. Tell him that the Health and Glow shop anyway has lots of varieties of them near the cash counter itself and that he need not be embarrassed to go buy them if he has to. No one will notice.

Tell him that he can talk about sex in your presence. And that you will not feel embarrassed about it.

Tell your son that it is ok to watch pornography. Don’t ask him to watch it when you are around and all, that will be indecent, but still tell him that there is nothing wrong in watching two adults in action.

Tell your son to read erotic fiction and have some fun. In fact, if possible, you only give a copy of the Kamasutra to him. He won’t understand any of it anyway, but still give it to him. Or try Harold Robbins.

Ask him to log on to Chatrooms and have sex chat with a random girl on the other end. It could be a guy pretending to be a girl, but still that and all doesn’t matter. Ask him to have it nevertheless.

Ask him to do sexting with this girlfriend, but tell him to do it discreetly. Tell him it is ok to have phone sex with her and that even if you overhear something from his room, tell him that you will pretend you have not heard anything. Promise him you won’t embarrass him.

Tell him to fall in love with a woman . Tell him to go head-over-heels about her. Tell him to admire her beauty. Actually, tell him to admire the beauty of all women. Tell him that they are single most source of joy on the planet and that without them the world is nothing. 

Tell him to relax and enjoy.

But before you do ANY of the above,

 Tell him that it is a shame to touch a woman without her permission. Tell him that it is a failure on your part and on the way you have brought him up. Tell him that it is a failure to his manhood.

Tell him that real life pornography requires her permission. Tell him that if a woman agrees, no amount of erotica can match a woman’s passion. But ask him to wait for the woman to agree first.

Tell him that a woman is a human being. Just like him. Not a piece of object. Tell him that while it is ok to admire her beauty, touching her without her permission is worse than stealing food from rabies-ridden street dog. 

Tell him that even broken hearts can be mended but he cannot break a woman’s dignity at any cost.

Tell him that raping is a Sin for which Man will have to pay a heavy price. A very heavy price.

Its a friday morning,
Friday, the day when people suddenly become happy for some unknown reason. Do they actually have a plan for the next two days? Well for me, I have to say yes to that. I will be working on a business journal which will contain a detailed report on the strategies to counter any future economic financial crisis, and also I am planning a visit the island I am contemplating to buy.Besides this,I also have to take care of the meetings with BOG's.Life has been like this since the time I have been appointed as the CEO, the adrenaline flow never seemed to subside and i enjoy every bit of it. As they say, life always seems fair when you have more or less everything, which includes a beach house, a yacth, a sports car and some of the world most sophisticated gadgets.

As I reached near my office elevator, I realized that I have an important meeting in ten minutes with one of the top notch clients. The elevator door opened as i rushed in, I saw a old man standing there. He was wearing a black trouser and a blue jacket which had a badge on it . "Elevator Man", I told myself.He had a quite a bit of wrinkles on his face and had lost almost all his hair which would otherwise have appeared white. His eyes were black and he was wearing large blue framed glasses to cover them up.As I took a sip of my coffee, I suddenly started having a feeling of the old man being familiar. Though I haven't seen him earlier for sure,he reminded me of someone. Someone who has always inspired me, someone who has unanimously considered as the original with me being the xerox copy, someone who has made me what I am today, my dad.From the time I remember, I always looked upon him for almost all aspect of my life. I however don't know the kind of relationship we shared.We would sit together and discuss about women and politics whenever we got a chance. My dad is a retired army colonel and ego comes as a gift with this job. For sometime recently family issues have vandalized what we had between us.The last we conversed, he asked me to grow up and cut off the phone. Now we don't talk, (atleast not the way we used to.) neither we give a damn, and we have somehow accepted this to be the way of life.I miss him and I know he does too but then.....

As the elevator was approaching my office at the topmost 30th floor, the old man said in a soft voice,"Son, your shoelaces". I looked at him, then at the shoes and then again at him. I wanted to tie them,but frankly i don't tie shoelaces, not because its absurd but because I didn't know how to do so. I had to pretend liked I always do, so I signaled my briefcase in one hand and coffee in another accompanied with want-to-but-can't face. He smiled and said,"let me help you" and within a fraction of second he was tying them. Now, normally I would have hesitated and probably step back a bit,but there was a sadist and innocent smile on my face as i was mesmerized with a revisit to one of the best moments of my childhood. My dad always used to tie my shoelaces when he was around, and this is the very obvious  reason why I never learnt to tie them. I got very nostalgic and somehow wanted to see the expression on the old man's face, but he was totally focused on his work. After he was done, he stood up and repositioned his blazer. I looked at him and said "Thank You".He didn't say anything. Then I looked at the display and it read "00". "Zero, that is very weird considering the lift has been moving up for a quite some time ". I asked myself. This time I looked at him, he smiled and said in a very calm voice."Take him with you to the island tomorrow, he will love it so will you".

My eyes opened. It was friday morning and I was still on my bed. Without any second thoughts, I jumped off  my bed and made a call "Morning,how are you?Hey, just wanted to ask, will you accompany me for a yacht ride tomorrow?I need your advice on an investment." Once done with this, I made one more call."Please deliver your best single malt by today evening in my office, Thank you"

मिट्ठी

मिट्ठी

जीना मिट्ठी मरना मिट्ठी , सब है करिश्मा मिट्ठी का

दुनिया वालो तुम्हे बताऊँ एक करिश्मा मिट्ठी का

मंदिर में जाए तो इंसान शीश इसी पे धर्ता है

मस्जिद में जाए तो बन्दा सजदा इसी पे करता है

उस मालिक ने जिस दिन देखो दुनिया अपनी बनायीं है

सबसे पहले इस दुनिया में मिट्ठी ही तो आई है

मिट्ठी सबकी पालनहारी,मिट्ठी सबकी माता है

मिट्ठी सबका पैठ है भरती, मिट्ठी ही अन्नदाता है

मिट्ठी से है हुस्न जहाँ में, फूल खिले है मिट्ठी से

सोना चांदी हीरे सब ला मिले है मिट्ठी से

इसी पे बनाये बंगले इंसान ने,इसी पे तौपे चलाता है

इस मिट्ठी का दिल तो देखो सब कुछ यह सह जाता है

सारे जहा के हर ज़ुल्म सितम ख़ामोशी से तकती है

जो कुछ हुआ है दुनिया में यह मिट्ठी ही कह सकती है

गुज़रे है जितने पीर-ओ-पयम्बर सभी को इसने देखा है

इंसान को होश कहाँ था मिट्ठी ने करिश्मा देखा है.

Men are from mars , Women are from venus

NOT written by me.. just copy pasted it.

Here’s a prime example of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:The professor told his class one day: “Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.——————————————-THE STORY:(First paragraph by Rebecca)At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Second paragraph by Gary)Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
(Gary)Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca)This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary)Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. “Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F–KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I’m such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!”
(Rebecca)A******.
(Gary)B****
(Rebecca)**** YOU – YOU NEANDERTHAL!
(Gary)Go drink some tea – *****.
(TEACHER)*A+ – I really liked this one.*

Kaalachakra Bar!

1975 Jan 1

It was about five in the morning. Father (I am not bothering with names) woke up with a start. Many years had passed since he had founded the orphanage. He had named it ' X-Orphanage ' , a rather funny name. But looking back, everything about his life seemed funny now. Hearing some noise outside, Father decided to have a look. A child lay there in front of the orphanage. It was a girl. Seeing her abandoned like this in the cold morning, Father felt a sense of anger for the merciless being who had thrown her away like this. He took her in his arms. He would raise her like his own child.

17 Years Later

The girl had now grown up. She was now staying at a hostel. She met a man and fell in love with him. Soon she got pregnant.But the man disappeared. She was thrown out of the Hostel. Father came and took her back to the orphanage. She gave birth to a girl, but the baby was mysteriously stolen. Unable to bear all this, the Father committed suicide.

5 years later

Due to some serious health problems, the girl went to see a Doctor. The doctor having examined her, said with a sad _expression on his face, "Adrenalo Sytosis, a serious case of hormone imbalance" . An operation was performed in which the doctor had to change the sex of the patient. The girl was now transformed into a man. The man was very depressed because he had lost his child, his father had committed suicide, his lover had betrayed him, he had to change sex and so on. He eventually took to drinking.
One day he saw that a new bar called 'Kaalachakra Bar' had opened in his locality. He went in. He saw a bearded man to whom he related his sad tale. he bearded man took pity on him and told him that he had a Time Machine and that he could use it to change his past. He accepted the gift from the bearded man. He decided to go to the past (to the year 1992) and started the Time Machine.!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!

1992

The man arrived with the Time Machine in the year 1992. There he met a girl and fell in love with her. The girl got pregnant. The man, unwilling to marry her, left the town. He went to another city, earned some money and five years later came back to the city where the girl lived. Wanting to conceal his identity, he grew a beard. He started a bar named 'Kaalachakra Bar'. One day a man came to the bar and narrated a sorrow tale. Out of compassion, he gave the Time Machine to the man. The man started the Time Machine and went back to the past.

Suddenly a man wearing a mask came into the bar. He pointed a gun at the bearded man. He said that he had a Time Machine and forced the bearded man into it along with himself. Taking the bearded man with him, the masked man started the Time Machine. When they reached the past, the masked man suddenly gave the Time Machine to the bearded man and ran away. The bearded man found himself in front of X-Orphanage. He went inside and found a woman lying there with her new born baby. It was a girl. Since the mother lay unconscious and there wasn't anyone else nearby to take care of the girl, he took the girl and started the Time Machine to go to the past.
The bearded man arrived with the girl. Thinking that it was the best place for the child, he left her in front of X-Orphanage. He joined a college, studied hard and became a doctor. One day a woman was brought to the hospital. He examined her and found that it was a serious case of 'Adrenalo Sytosis'. He performed an operation in which he had to change her sex. One day, fed up with the complexities of modern life, he started the Time Machine and went back in time.

1968 May 12

He arrived at a time of great famine and suffering. Seeing all this, he decided to become a priest and serve the people. He started an orphanage and named it 'X-Orphanage' . Years later, he found a girl lying in front of the orphanage. He took her and brought her up like his own child. Many years later he heard that the girl was pregnant and was thrown out of the hostel. He brought her back to X-Orphanage. She gave birth to a girl and fell unconscious. The father desperately searched for help, but since there was no-one nearby to help him, he decided to bring a person back from the future. He wore a mask, took a gun for protection and started the Time Machine. He materialized in front of 'Kaalachakra Bar'. He went inside, found a bearded man and forced him to travel with him to the past.

Reaching the past, he felt very guilty about forcing the bearded man to come with him. He gave the Time Machine to the bearded man and ran away to see his daughter. When he reached there, he heard the sad news from his daughter that the baby was stolen. Unable to bear the sorrow, he committed suicide.

The one with all the crap!!!

One thing that has been preDHONImating the minds of Indian right now is cricket.Our team established it's undisputed(??) DHONIance in the fast and IRFANtastic version by winning the world cup.UTTAPPArently the fan-fervor was so overwhelming during the motorcade that it caused a high degree of YUVRAJitation in the street.Millions of dhoniacs celebrated by drinking few barrels of GAMbeer.

But respecting the old Indian culture, Some people wrecked it from being the perfect moment for India.The smear on the most B-E-A-utiful day of Indian cricket were bunch of whiny asses who claimed to be the neglected representative of the make-believe game called hockey.These 'HOCKERS' demanded that this so called game of hockey be given equal importance.

To resolve this issue a open debate was organised between the Cricket team(CT),Hockey team(HT) with celebrity guest Shahruk Khan(SRK) and mediating the event was the NDTV founder Prannoy Roy (PR) (The one who dosen't open his mouth while talking). Here are the abstract of the discussion:

HT:We also want recognition,we want free airtravel benefits,bunglow at sahara city,more advertizing contracts.We want to boast of rags to riches stories.

CT: Its Sounds more like a Rags to Bitches story.Stop whining.

HT: We are not whining, we are fighing for our right.Why is it that we didn't recieve an ovation as grant when we returned with the Asia cup?

CT:Ok first.We came back with the world cup not some retarded asia cup.And world is much bigger than Asia if U didn't know.Secondly Hockey is for losers.

HT:We had beaten the Koreans in the finals to lift the cup.Don't call us a losers

CT:Kudos on beating bunch of guys who squint so much that they can't tell the differnce between Jennifer Lopez's ass and a watermelon.

PR:(suddenly in the front stage stealing the limelight from others)According to the survey conducted many do have a problem telling the difference.

CT:Its so easy,You sink your teeth deep into the watermelon and spill out the seeds after eating it completely.(paused) No wait...

SRK:(obviously got pissed out as they were wasting his time)Lets take the discussion to that part where I have to talk about Chak De.I'm not intersted in JL ass.

CT:tell us something we don't know.

SRK:Hey!If U r talking about the thing that pocked u in your thighs when I hugged U after the final,it was my mobile.(pauses) For the umpteen time,I don't day dream rubbing oil on Karan Johar's..ummm...Body

HT:Actually, we have a bone to pick with you as well, Shah Rukh.

CT: Oh, he’ll be more than happy to let you pick his bone.

HT: Was it so much trouble for you to show up at the Asia Cup finals and cheer us on? Did you forget what ‘Chak De’ was all about?

SRK: Are you telling me it’s a real game? I thought it was just a ridiculous game that the filmmakers came up with.HT (angry): Yes, it’s a real game. It’s the national game of India.

CT: The only reason why people started calling it the national game of India is because that was the first thing we managed to win after getting independence. It doesn’t mean that it’s an interesting sport and that people like watching it.

HT: People from all communities and walks of life play hockey.

CT: Get real, . Hockey is a game played only by Punjabis.

HT: Just because you have money doesn’t mean that you can be racist.

CT: How many of you have Singh as your last name?(All the hockey players raise their hands and on realizing they had just been had put their hands down )

HT: We represent all religions and communities. Unlike Shoaib Malik.

(Suddenly, Prannoy Roy takes centre stage and speaks in a deep baritone, his mouth still shut tight)

PR: This is a message from NDTV to Shoaib Malik. You do not represent all the Muslims in the world. You are only the captain of the defeated Pakistan Team.

CT: He was just being emotional. All he said he was he thanked all the Muslims in the world. You’re a rotten piece of shit to be ballooning that up when you have other important things on your channel to talk about.

PR : I will complain to Barkha Dutt and he will shout at you.

CT: Don’t you mean ‘she’?

PR: Who do you think knows him better? The stupid audience who sit in front of the TV or me, the head of NDTV- Nicely Disguised Transvestite Vixens?

(Suddenly, everyone stops talking because they hear a moaning sound. It’s SRK seemingly in the middle of a day dream)

SRK: Yeah…you like that, K-Jo? Hmm…Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna…hmmm…I’d like to drink hot brown frothy coffee…yeah…

PR: Shah Rukh, wake up! I think you’re having a 'day(read D as G)-dream'!

(SRK wakes up and sees everyone staring at him)

SRK: What?No, I wasn’t. I was just thinking about my new movie Om Shanti Om.

CT: Don’t you mean ‘hOMo Shanti hOMo’?

HT: This is exactly what we’re talking about. This whole debate was supposed to be about us. But now it has turned into a dialogue between Cricket and Bollywood. We deserve attention too. We want all the luxury they get. We want more and more and more and more…

CT (smirking): Unless you’re talking about Kiran More I don’t think you have much of a chance.

HT: Up yours, you undeserving shit balls. We will kick your ass.

PR (mouth closed): I’m more powerful than God.

SRK: I miss Karan.

..............................................To be continued.......................